lucy (a_sad_sad_soul) wrote in love_your_blood,
lucy
a_sad_sad_soul
love_your_blood

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pathetic little shit!

-i wrote this today when i was in school:
i feel so drained. i dont want to be in school today. i had a panic attack yesterday during class, so i spent the whole day in the school's emergency room. i'm so tired. i feel like a walking corpse, i am the undead. i just need to be in my bed for the day, with a pillow and a warm blanket. i'm so cold. i just want to fall asleep and not wake up. i feel so alone. i hate myself! i;m fat and pathetic! i'm pointless. why am i even fucking here?! i just want to fade away. no one wants to talk to me anymore, i'm better off just six feet under. i haven't talked to any of my friends in so long, and all my boyfriend does all day is play diablo. i've completely withdrawn myself from the world. the only thing that i enjoy anymore is reading. it's been my only escape from this lithium fueled torment. i keep finding myself falling helpless onto the ground and bursting into tears. it happens so much now, i can't help myself. i'm pitiful. i haven't slept in so long, i just lay in my bed staring at the wall in a trance. i hate insomnia!

-my panic attack:
yesterday i was sitting down taking a test in my stupid business and personal finance class and then something just set me off. the called the school nurse when they noticed how much i was freaking out. they asked if i ate anything, i said no. then they asked if i had taken any drugs, and i said only my regular medications (i'm what you call straight edge now cuz i have too much shit wrong with me now). they tried to get me to eat some crackers, i just threw it up. i couldn't stop shaking, one minute i was sweating and the next minute i was freezing. i was screaming and crying. it took them two hours to calm me down, well at least enough that i could drive myself home. then when i got home i just burst into tears again and mike didn't know what to do with me. he just picked me up and put me onto my bed and wrapped me up in a blanket. then he stayed with me until i fell asleep.

-and now:
now that i'm awake i just feel sick, tired, and pathetic. i'm falling apart, i just want to fade away. i'm so sick of dealing with everything, i'm sick of waking up and having to live my miserable life. i hate taking time to try and make everyone around me happy, while no one's helping me! i don't understand why nobody can see how much pain i'm in, no one even cares that i want to fucking kill myself! i just don't see the point in trying anymore. i want to give up.
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